it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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