My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
