I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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