I'm drive I can fine osifer
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
