Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
