Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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