Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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