he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
