Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize