she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I want to make a zoo with you.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
