just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
