Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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