I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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