i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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