I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
