I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Randomize
