His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
