dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
