I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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