my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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