i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
