help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
