Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize