Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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