I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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