there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Still dying that you shit outside
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
