Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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