So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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