I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
