I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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