how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
