Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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