On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
