Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
