I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
