It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
