Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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