I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
