How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
