Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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