bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
