Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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