dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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