i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
