So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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