My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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