A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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