I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
