Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
