Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
