Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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