I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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