I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
