my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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