So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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