That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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