Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
