How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We left the knife in your bed.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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