Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
