She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
