I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
time to smoke my breakfast
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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