At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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