I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
