remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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