I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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