We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We named our party play list daddy issues
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
